A Cat's Meow

A few weeks age, dw saw a very funny video (You Tube) " Diary Of A Sad Cat". dw sent a link to our cat owning (or, to be ultra-PC: parenting) good friends Kate and John G. The following is their exchange.

 

 

From Victoria Beaner Mehlman G. --- aka: the Bean

 

Dianne,

It is my understand that you asked Kate to download the "Diary Of a Sad Cat" video. I hope it gives her some awareness of how lonely my days are. I sleep out of depression. My only relief is a rare tidbit of food, the occasional water tap for a drink, and the shadows of leaves and birds that tease me as they move across the walls and ceiling. It is difficult to find ways to entertain myself in this prison.

     Unlike the video, I have no plants to eat but still I occasionally make my disillusionment known by barfing on the white rug. (Once, I overheard Kate telling you about that --- It made me proud)

     You may be surprised that I type so well, although I do find the shift key difficult to use. I attribute my skill to my petite, though naturally superior, physique.

     I hear the tap has been turned on. I have a mere five minutes to drink my daily supply so I must run. Thanks for bringing my plight to the attention of Kate. She is not enlightened, but your input may help.

 

Meow,

VGMB

 

 

 

from the beaner,

after writing you i feel inspired. usually only food, water, and prey animals interest me but you have made me feel important. i have feelings that I must share.

     as I mentioned before i find it very hard to use the shift key and to type upper case letters. i hope you accept this with good grace. my thoughts are no less profound. besides, mehitabel was universally praised and i'm clearly superior to a mere alley cat.

     today has been difficult for me, as i was given breakfast --- i knew my medicine was in it but i was so hungry that i ate it all at once --- and then i had to wait a whole 6 hours, staring at an empty plate, while kate was outside doing whatever rather than looking after moi and moi needs.

     i feel i can tell you this because i well remember that you brought me some french ham when you visited, and you might want to be more consistent when you visit. i assume the french ham and you come mainly to visit me. i will be willing to rub against you and purr a bit in exchange for the ham or shrimp. tit for tat i always say.

     kate says you might be getting a new car this weekend. i don't care. i hate cars, they make my heart palpitate and my doc says that's not a good thing at my age --- as you may know, a naturally superior cat, such as moi, lives a very long time --- regarding age, alas, i sometimes do feel it. sometimes i feel as young as 5 --- other times, well, i'm slow and even lying down is an effort.

     my weekend? --- well it isn't much different from my monday through friday routine.

     as you have connections --- being a nurse and all --- maybe you could get me a hospital job as a service cat to calm patients and employees. i would expect something in return: a little catnip or some extra french ham -- under the table would be fine ---i hope i wouldn't be expected to just volunteer my efforts. even though i sleep most of the time,. with my sophisticated good looks, my time is valuable.

     i have just eaten, and all this talk about french ham has made me extra --- napish --- if you know what i mean. sweet dreams.

 

the bean xoxo

 

 

 

 

from ms. Victoria to nurse w.

 

Dianne,

i feel very distressed today. i was not asked if the cleaning lady could come but she unexpectedly came. as a result my life is in complete disarray. maria left and closed the door more than an hour ago and only now am i beginning to recover from the ordeal. i do not like having my space invaded. since you are a nurse you need to get me some anti-anxiety drugs. i don't need much, after all i am a cat, but even more than pate' i need some xanax.

     last night i couldn't sleep and after hours of restlessness, i finally found comfort lying against kate's leg. she got up and moved to the guest bedroom. it was very disruptive. this morning i nearly had to create a scene to get john's attention. he was the only person available, so i jumped on the bed and stared at him for five minutes before he recognized his duties and saw to my needs.

     after such an exhausting, tension filled morning --- and a thorough cleaning --- i am feeling napish again. ciao and meow,

 

ms. vbmg

 

 

 

 

from ms. vbmg to nurse w.

again, i am having a bad day and i need some advice from you. kate doesn't understand me --- i don't know why, my needs are so simple --- and now i'm failing to understand her. today, out of nowhere, a juicy bit of fresh shrimp delightedly appeared in my dish. with relish i ate it, and then despite my cries and despite the fact that i was sitting in the exact spot where the shrimp appeared, no more shrimp appeared.

     but in this house i am treated as a mere pet and my rights are ignored on a daily basis. when i consider what i hourly contribute to the general welfare in this house what i get in return is clearly inadequate. why not shrimp everyday? why not a clean litter box 3x a day? i'm only combed twice a week --- if i'm lucky --- instead of every day. for hundreds of years we've been "tamed" and kept under lock and key when once we were acknowledged as gods and suitably worshipped.

     as a nurse, you could send me some anti-anxiety pills, they might even help my headache. i have needs my wardens won't recognize.

     i almost despair. I've considered a boycott --- but i fear my wardens, kate and john, wouldn't even notice --- or worse, they would notice and misunderstand and take me to the vet.

     I've considered sending an op-ed piece to the new york times, but i have no economic power so i feel it would be useless to write of my disillusionment. all i have left is to dream of my lost god status.

morose in mountain view.

to dream --- to sleep ---

 

 

 

 

My Dear Ms. V

Please let me assure you that you are heard. Your concerns are my concerns and I am here for you on every level. The failure of contemporary society to remember the feline goddess history is appalling. I fear nothing short of a CATastrophe will return us to the golden age of Feline Dominance. Having said that, I implore you to understand that those who know YOU understand the FD history and strive to honor you accordingly.

 

Sometimes, however, we all have to tolerate the quirks and forgetfulness of those around us. It is the mark of a superior mind to accept the inferiority of others and not take it personally. I know you will rise to the challenge.

 

An op-ed piece in the NYT is always a good idea and worth a try. As for the anti-anxiety assistance, the Warden's medication could be diluted multifold and perhaps a tiny amount put in a delicacy for your consumption. However, it has been my experience that the delicacy itself serves the purpose and I will communicate your needs to Kate. In the meantime, delay the evening visit to the downstairs long enough to cause a moment's pause (paws?) as everyone considers "Where's Beaner?" It will perk them up.

 

P.S. next time stare at John for 7 minutes --- longer is better.

 

Ciao Bella, and hang in there.

Nurse W.


If anyone else in interested, you can sent a guest blog to: feder400@gmail.com. Of course I might re-write or do some editing, but hey, it would be easy access to my vast (?) audience.  DJA