April Fools (Or Not)

I picked up a copy of Willamette Week Wednesday, and in the "news" section: What to do this week in arts and culture -- Came across this blurb. "Willy Week" presented this as a regular featured article under "what to do". It's amazing. Two reasons: WW presents this as a regular news and this guy actually convinces people to pay him for looking at them.
   It's not April 1, but I thought this was a joke.  If it's not 4-1, then WW must be channeling  The Onion. Alas, it isn't so. The page is WW being "non-critical".
   (In full disclosure -- WW seems to feel that's important -- I stared at his picture for awhile.  -- According to Braco's web site this should work -- And my knee is still crap.  And my stents didn't spring from my chest like a lot of useless junk -- I've got doubts about how good at healing he is) 
  But look at him. At his sad brown eyes and soft gentle (smirking) smile that seems to say: "I got you to pay me $100 to look at you, and I bet I can do it again."
   WW pretends to be a legitimate newspaper  but it publishes crap like this as real news.
   But I thought: This is a GREAT scam. This guy doesn't actually talk to the public or press. (He probably sounds like a chipmunk on helium) while I have a fine mellifluous bass-baritone so I can actually talk. -- But all I would really need to do is sit and stare at my suckers clients.   I can do this. 

      Are you healed? (That's only $75 -- My special first time rate) Braco is a bit more gentle than I am.  He looks like "Lets all get together, sing Kum-By-Ah, and get well and feel good."  I seem to have a look of: "HEAL, DAMN YOU!" But I think that should work. 
   I've been looking for work that I'm willing to do, (A VERY limited range) and I think this fits the bill. I will definitely pay taxes and social security and everything else on every penny I earn.  DA
      

Cravings

   Cravings often cause us to do unfortunate things. A week ago Sunday I was saved only because I commonly don't carry money when I ride my bike to the gym. I was riding back (it's a 15 mile round trip) and got caught in a riot of aromas from restaurant row on Williams Avenue. A touch of chocolate from Pix, (a patisserie to die for), and from the other restaurants, maple syrup, bacon, butter, hash browns and eggs. If I had been carrying any cash, I would have stopped and inhaled a couple of thousand calories.
   (I prefer to exercise on an empty stomach, so typically I'll only have a slice of bread or a banana before I leave for the gym)
   But this last Sunday it was my loathing for lines saved me. I had a few dollars and decided I'd buy a few Voodoo doughnuts to eat when I got home.  (for those who don't know, Voodoo Doughnuts is noted for it's unusual toppings, including such things as Pepto Bismol icing -- A portmanteau treat: catch and cure stomach upset -- all in one bite) I intended to get a few doughnuts topped with maple icing and bacon bits.  There was a vast line, so once again I was saved from my cravings. 

  (Unless it's something I really want or need, I won't stand in line for anything. McDonald's for example. -- to my mind the worst of the big burger chains -- So I'll go hungry rather than stand in line for one of their burgers. It isn't that I consider myself -- in this regard anyway -- better than other people, it's just that I can't see the point in waiting to get something that's both bad for you and tasteless.)

 Other people's cravings are often just funny, particularly when it's attention that's being sought: The fashion of many years for young men to wear their pants below their butt. An amazing style that often requires the guys to walk with a wide stance, waddling along legs apart, so their pants don't fall down.  It's been a style for so long that unless they trip on their own pants they don't even get the attention they crave.
   And what caused this blog: two new (to me -- for all I know they've been around for years) words -- vajazzling and pejazzling. Referring to women and men.  In both cases the benighted wretches crave more sexual attention so they shave their private parts and then glue on sequins in assorted designs. It seems to me that all of that shaving and gluing would defeat the purpose of having the equipment (especially the men) but as Hamlet said:  "There are more things in heaven and earth / than are dreamt of in (my) philosophy.  -- If you're interested in photos, Google either word under images, or try www.mybodydecor.com ---

   Today was gym day but after a brief discussion we found, Bob D. and I, that neither of us had much interest. Instead I took a 15 or 20 mile bike ride.  Of interest along the way: a painted intersection at 8th and Holman and an event: The brakes on my bike need to be cleaned so they give a loud squeal when I use them. A woman with two leashed northern dogs was standing at the bottom of one hill I descended.  When I put on my brakes to slow down, the dogs started to howl. It was great. I'd release the brakes, they'd stop -- I'd apply the brakes they'd howl. I thought of trying for "Shave and a haircut, six bits" but considered that too ambitious.  The dogs' timing wasn't quite good enough. 
   Midway through the ride I stopped at Bob and Roberta (two D's) -- (aka "The Bobs") house for coffee and a short visit.  All in all a pleasant ride.  DA
  

Reference Books: Hah! I Laughed In Their Face

   For the second time (that I'm aware of) the author of a blog that I follow (Other Men's Flowers) published a list of 20 questions. Since I do enjoy useless trivia I went through the list with reasonable success, patted myself on my back, and went back to keeping up with the Beavises and Buttheads (aka the current presidential race)
   (I told dw of my trivia success. She said: "That's nice dear." ---- I'm impressed that I know hematite is a type of iron ore)
   (dw wants it known that she also has a fund of trivia, including: Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield fought for the heavyweight championship in the '90s -- interesting since dw has no interest at all in boxing.)

   A cautionary tale: The subject of trivia reminded me of the time, a few years ago, I was reading an encyclopedia (Encarta) and came across an error. Under the subject of stained glass, the accompanying photo of San Chapelle was misidentified as Notre Dame. That error wasn't as momentous as describing the Fibonacci sequence as a series of pasta shapes would be, but it still shows a certain carelessness. And last week I was reading "Western Words" a dictionary of the American West (by Ramon F. Adams) and came across a really appalling entry.  He defines misery whip as "A logger's term for a cant hook."  The aptly named misery whip is actually a large cross cut saw.  I was on the blister end of one of those saws a few times when, many years ago, I was on a forest fire lookout.  I'm not claiming much real experience but anyone who knows anything at all about the subject knows that a misery whip is a big human powered saw, not a cant hook, hooker, peavey, sky hook or anything but a saw.    
   Even if it's printed in a reference book, as Sportin' Life says:  "It ain't necessarily so"

   We're presently in the midst of Halloween.  It's her turn so dw has door duty tonight.  Me: "You've got door-duty, but that's better than do-duty." dw: "I've got enough do-duty at work.  I'm an all around do-door-duty person." --- Our witty repartee for the evening.

   Books:  "Whatever Gets You Through The Night" (Andrei Codrescu) I am only familiar with him through his commentaries on public radio so this book was a bit of a surprise.  It's sort of a retelling and sort of about, Sheherezade and the 1001 nights.  With comments about the story and the stories and the translators and the present day all thrown in with lots of footnotes and author's asides to boot.  It's interesting and entertaining and occasionally funny and kind of annoying.  An odd mix. 
   And "About Rothko" (Dore Ashton) -- which, as everyone probably can guess, is about Mark Rothko. Interestingly (if I ever knew this, I'd forgotten it) he emigrated from Russia to Portland, OR as a child, and grew up in Portland.  He had his first solo show in Portland at the Art Museum (after he had moved to New York).
   Reading of and seeing pictures of his early work (influenced by impressionists, cubists, fauvists and just about everyone else) and following his progress (or whatever) into his later monumental paintings with their large masses of color, follows the history of 20th century art.  I haven't finished reading the book, but so far I'd recommend it to anyone interested in art history.  DA

We Should Be On TV

These trees are across the street from our front door.   They aren't yet showing their full color, but they certainly enhance the view from our porch.
 
    Monday I had my one year/10,000 mile check-up.  It was all good and I get to drop one of my daily pills -- just in time to apply the pill cost to my car which won't start.  The car isn't even trying to start, it just sits there, a 3000lb. lump.  I've checked a couple of things and over the next couple of days I'll replace a couple of parts.  After that I'll limp around on my sore foot which I'll get because I'm going to kick the damn thing before I tow it to a shop.
  
   The other day, public broadcasting had a show on TV about ferrets.  We didn't watch it since dw really isn't fond of ferrets, but it reminded me of an article from Outside magazine about Ferret Legging.  Ferret Legging is a "sport" wherein the competitors tie off the cuffs of their pants, stuff in a couple of ferrets, and compete to see who can stand it the longest.  The putative world record is 5 hours 26 minutes.  It's considered a dying sport (Can you imagine why?!) but there have been stirrings of local interest.  As a competitor said:  "You have to be ready to have your tool bitten and not care."  The sport possibly arose in Yorkshire public houses (Scotland --I'm not sure why -- also claims to have started it ) And it's easy to see how a warm pint or ten or fifteen could lead to ferret legging. 
   And lest people think I'm maligning the Brits -- (My god! Are the British Isles so boring that for excitement men get a snootful and then stuff their pants with rapacious toothy, clawing animals?) --- For a couple of years Richmond, Virginia has had a Ferret Legging contest, but I'm pretty sure the beer of choice isn't warm and is probably PBR or Bud Lite  ("We might have lost the Civil War,  but by god! we'll show you Yanks.  We're gonna stuff some ferrets in our pants!")  But there's more:  St. Vital Park, Winnipeg also has a contest.  Though I doubt if it's the same (but kudos to Canada for trying): in Winnipeg every one's tool would be frozen and even the most eager ferret would find it hard to get traction.

   This afternoon dw stopped knitting and checked for email.  I paused from reading and said:  "We should have our own reality show on TV."  dw: "Why so?"  "It would be titled: The Last Best Hope For Insomniacs"  We've had a quiet week. 

Books:  Perfect Figures (Bunny Crumpacker) A history of numbers -- how they came to have their present form and function.  Very little actual math and an easy read.  Very enjoyable.  The Velocity of Honey (Jay Ingram)  Another science light -- a collection of essays "science of everyday life"  -- a little denser than the previous book but still an easy interesting read.  And Visible Bones (Jack Nisbet)  Natural history essays about the Columbia River Basin.  Well written and a good read.  I've enjoyed this one so much that I'm going to look for another one of his books: Sources of the River,

  

A Modest Proposal*

   I read in the paper (The Oregonian 10/9/11 -- Washington Post - Bloomberg) that  Florida State Rep.  Ritch Workman (R) has introduced a bill in Florida to rescind the ban on "dwarf-tossing".  Workman claims that his measure isn't a jobs bill, but he also says it will enable a few little people to work instead of standing in an unemployment line, where, because of their limited stature they might not even be noticed. 
   (When I read the headline to dw she said:  "Please tell me that's from the Onion".)
  -- For anyone who doesn't know, "dwarf-tossing"  is a tavern competition where some drunks see who can throw a small person the farthest. --
   Regardless of the merits of this particular bill, Rep. (R) Workman is showing the all too common limitation that plagues politicians -- a limited imagination.  While he's about it he needs to introduce a bill legalizing baby tossing.  Baby tossing is an age-long, world-wide occupation. 
   In southern India, babies are thrown off a fifty foot tower and caught in a blanket held by several men -- to the enjoyment of everyone concerned (apparently even the babies since there's no record of a single baby complaint -- crying doesn't count since babies frequently cry for no reason at all).  For people who don't have a baby, baby-rich people could rent out their children for tossing about.  Traditionally babies -- particularly tossable babies -- make little if any effort to contribute to their family's finances -- so baby hurling would add an entire new class of work that would add to the GDP.
   Since some people (probably liberals) might sneer at Baby Tossing as a low class sport it should be noted that English nobility threw babies around for a good many years (the infant brother of Henry IV died when somebody missed as he was being tossed from window to window -- The only recorded fatality connected with the sport -- so Baby Tossing is safer than rodeo bull riding and there's no need to find a 2000 pound bull)
  
Not that it concerns me (the Revolutionary War and all), but the English could widen the sport by tossing a few adult royals from window to window.  The royals seem mostly to just ponce about and they could be be put to good use by being tossed about.  As a tourist attraction I think watching Prince Charles tossed out a window would be a huge draw.  He'd land on a giant air bag  and the bookies could offer odds on whether (ear-wise) he'd fly or just glide.

   And on the subject of royals I'm reminded of the great gaseous farts from the press regarding the recent Kardashian wedding.  (According to the press)  America's "royal wedding".  As if.  At least none of the English royals have ever released a porn video, although a few years ago Koo Stark had a lot of potential.   And so it goes.  DA

*Apologies to Jonathan Swift -- but he's been dead for 250 years, so why should he care?

Taking Care of Business

   I believe I've found out about the three ships I wrote of on 7-17-11 (What The Hell ?).  I stopped at a nearby boat yard and asked one of the workmen about the three giant tents on the barge.  He told me that they are used to shelter yachts while being worked on.  The barge is just used as a movable floating dock, and the white framed tents are just stored there until needed.      Mundane and sort of boring.  Definitely a sight best left for the imagination to conjure on. 
   And the two ships with the large radar domes?  Here I'm guessing (the Swan Island ship yard doesn't let people wander around asking questions) but the ships are probably connected with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which is establishing it's NW home port in Newport.  Portland is the nearest place to work on large ships.  Again sort of boring.  Much more interesting to imagine a CIA / NSA operation with men and women in fedoras, raincoats and dark glasses scurrying about.  Easier to imagine a few years ago.  The scene only needs Cheney sneering in the background -- panting at the thought of more waterboarding. 

    Recently Drew commented on the 5-5-11 blog  (Profligate Blue Jay).  He pointed out that Guam uses more Spam (nearly three times as much per person) than Hawaii.  He also mentioned a special Spam that Hormel developed particularly for Guam.    A Tabasco Spam -- So now I have to look around for Tabasco Spam.  It sounds -- great isn't the right word -- interesting.

   Completely irrelevant:  The Jackson Hole Daily (9-23) carried an article about an endangered 10 foot American crocodile (most American "crocodiles" are alligators) discovered in a Florida gated community.  At the end of the story the article said that Lindsey Hord -- Florida crocodile response coordinator -- urged people not to feed or touch alligators or crocodiles and to keep pets away from them.
   "Oh, Look Ma!!  There's a ten foot gator over there.  Man he sure has a lot of teeth.  I know!!  Let's go pet it!"  "That's a great idea Pa!  And I'll bring Fifi.  Maybe they'll play together!"   I'm not sure the Lindsey Hord type of warnings should be given -- Such warnings only help those type of people survive and breed. 

  
 

Lastly, the house paint job is mostly finished.   The storm windows need to be re-installed and some details on the balcony and patio need to be taken care of.  None of is critical.  Installing the storm windows will be a quick job, and the bits of painting that are left can wait until next spring if necessary.  I am so glad to be done with the job.  But dw and I are really pleased with the result.  Except for the gable ends the colors are similar to the old scheme but are a bit brighter so the effect (we feel) is much more pleasing.  In the end dw did about 25% of the painting and I did nearly all of the rest.  The other help  mentioned largely concentrated on prep work --  That's actually a pretty big deal help-wise.  Picture on the left:  The Last Square Foot.  Above:  The Finished Product. 

I have been reading, and will get back to books read in my next entry.  And so it goes.  DA

Jackson, Wy -- A Short Trip With A Fun Event

   Last week dw and I drove to Jackson, Wyoming to watch her brother Steve and Steve's SO Kay, run a marathon.   Actually we only watched the finish -- we were awake, but we didn't get up to watch the 7:30 start, and we didn't find a spot to watch any part of the middle of the run -- so by "watching a marathon" I mean we waited at the finish for fifteen minutes and actually watched the last fifty yards of the 26+ mile run.   But our thoughts were positive and we offered strong moral support.  As we drove to our spot at the finish we passed both Steve and Kay as they ran on a road-side path.   We honked  waved and yelled in a strongly supportive fashion. 
   Our stay in Jackson was only two days so we didn't do any hiking -- it was mostly a social event.  We  (dw and I) did visit the National Museum of Wildlife Art, located just north of Jackson.  The 1994 building is reminiscent of Anasazi ruins, and the collection is, as advertised, wildlife art --  Mostly but not exclusively American artists and North American wildlife -- nearly all of the art is realistic.  The subjects and style of art isn't particularly to our taste, but we were glad we went and it's a very nice museum / collection.
   Eating in Jackson was a disappointment (for me).  First we went to the Snake River Brewery (good beer, as it happens).  I ordered a BBQ pulled-pork sandwich.  The bun was stale, the pork was too sweet without much flavor and was nearly cold.  The fries were cold.  And it wasn't cheap.  In my opinion, go there for the beer and pass on the food.  We also ate at Thai Me Up.  I ordered drunken noodles (no alcohol involved) with chicken.  It tasted good but the chicken seemed to be the same sort of faux glop that McDonalds uses to make it's McNuggets.  For the price I expected better than that.  But as I said, it tasted good (true, it's hard to mess up Thai).
  
   Small events along the road:
    Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayer was in Teton Village (where the marathon finished) -- We didn't see her but there were a bunch of Secret Service guys lurking around with their ear buds and dark glasses.  One was wearing a magenta colored shirt and tie! -- I didn't think that would be allowed. 
   We went to the Jackson Farmers Market where I found a selection of Stetson hats for only 40 dollars.  I felt the craving for another hat but they only offered XXL or XXS.  I tried the XXL and my head felt like the clapper in Big Ben.  The XXS would only fit a toddler or a pinhead -- made me feel like I really am a fathead. 
   Road sign outside of Idaho Falls:  "Warning to tourists:  Don't laugh at the natives"  --  I didn't see anyone there who was risible but I didn't really look. 
   Sign at Rupert, Idaho:  Corn Dogs -- at Mr. Gas -- a service station.
   Downtown Rupert is a town square surrounded by 1910-20 buildings, mostly unaltered.  It's an attractive little town which seems to be kept alive by Hispanic people.  We ate at a bodega / carniceria / cafe.  (Three tacos and a burrito).  The place had the feel of Baja California except for the unexpected zydeco music. 
   A feedlot west of Massacre Rock State Park has a large manure holding pond sited beside the freeway.  It had a pontoon boat floating in it.  I guess some people take their recreation wherever they can. 
   We ate at the Rainbow Cafe in Pendleton.  Two older women were sitting on a bench outside the cafe having a smoke.  They strongly recommended the place, and on the basis of one of their recommendations I had the chili-burger -- it was good.   The cafe (according to a photograph) looks much like it did when it opened in 1940.  It has a bunch of neon lights and signs which they never turn off because they aren't sure the neon would fire up again if they were turned off. 
   We had breakfast at Frosty's Cafe & Lounge in Rufus Oregon, where the waitress shooed us away from the "fly table".  It was a table in front of a window which apparently was very popular with the local flies. 

And the Fun Event:  On our return drive we stopped at Horseshoe Bend (north of Boise Idaho) where we did a zip-line ride.  It was great!  The first picture was just before we started on the paired line (the other lines were single).  This line ended at the light spot above the greenery nearly centered between our helmets.  The second picture I took while we were sliding down the cable.  --  Because I weigh a bit more than dw shortly after I took the picture I passed her.  Again:  the end of these cables is the light tan spot  just right of the left-hand cable.  The tour had six different cables, four short and two long.  If we ever do it again we'll want more long cables but this was an excellent first time out.   And so it goes.  DA