SASQUATCH, A BEAR, AND ME (to say nothing of the fish) --- A traditional fable
Some years ago I owned a cabin far up the Rogue River. There was no road into it; there was a trail but it was rough and in some places downright dangerous, so I always used my canoe to reach the cabin. It was very hard work getting up stream. The Rogue isn't a big river like the Columbia, or even the Willamette but it has power to it. In some places I had to scramble along the shore, towing the canoe; in other places I actually needed to portage, I was younger and I enjoyed the hard work --- but there were places where the valley would level out, the river widen, slow down, and seem like a pond. Those stretches were beautiful: shallow, crystal clear water, easy going with sand and gravel banks edged with trees, brush, and meadows: An Eden just for me.
One trip I had just started to relax at the bottom of an easy stretch when just ahead I saw Sasquatch standing on a gravel bar. He was motionless, staring hard at the river. As I paused to watch he started to wade into the river -- slowly, carefully, easing in; then he jumped in with a mighty splash and immediately sprang up with a huge salmon fighting and flopping under his arm. When that Sasquatch got a grip on a fish, that fish could flop and fight and struggle all it could, but it wasn't going to escape. That fish was as good as filleted, roasted, and eaten.
This particular Sasquatch was a friend of mine. I called him Sam. Not from Samuel, but from Samson because he was a BIG fellow. I'd see him in the woods and I'd call out: "Hi, Sam" and he'd grunt and go: "Grrrr" which was as good a way as any to say: "Have a nice day!" I was about to yell: "That's a great fish you have there, enjoy your dinner!", when I noticed, across the river, an Extra, Extra Big Black Bear. I knew this guy too, I called him Ben, because -- Ben the Bear -- and he was another friend. I'd see him in the brush and I'd call out: "Hi, Ben", He'd grunt and go: "Grrrr". I'm not sure he was wishing me a nice day, but we were friends anyway.
Ben was motionless, just standing and glaring at Sam. After a second Ben jumped in and tore across the river, water flying like he was a tank. He ran up to Sam, stood up (didn't bother to shake) and slapped Sam hard in the head. The fish went flying. Now the truth is, Sam was a peaceable guy, but you couldn't hit him in the head and expect him to just stand there -- Sam came back with a beautiful right cross -- Ben went down hard! A big blow can knock even an Extra, Extra Big Bear like Ben on his butt, but he's not going to stay there. Ben jumped and just tore into Sam. The fur was flying. There was so much flying fur that you could hardly see the two of them; just a big cloud of floating hair.
Now like I said, they were both my friend and I hated to see them going at each other so hard, so I drove my canoe ashore, sprang out, ran between them, pushed them apart and said: "Now hold on!" Neither of them had noticed me earlier and both were surprised; they both said: "HUH?" then just pushed me aside and went back at it. I gagged a bit at all the hair, but I pushed them apart again and I said: "I said now hold on!". "You stop this fighting and act peaceable like humans!" They paused, then both laughed at that. I knew they would, I just said it to break the tension.
The three of us each took a deep breath and I sneezed. I continued: "Now Ben, you can't just whang someone in the head and try to take their fish. That's just wrong and you know it." (Ben grunted). "And Sam, you couldn't eat all that big fish before it went bad, and you know it. As a friend you should have offered Ben some, and you know it." (Sam grunted). "So now that we've all calmed down, this is what we'll do. I'll take the fish (they both glared at me); I'll clean it and scrape off the scales; neither of you like the scales, (they both nodded), then I'll divide it in two. Sam, you caught it, so you get first choice; and Ben you'll get the other half and be happy about it." They didn't look happy, but both nodded. I went to get the fish and start on it, but that big salmon was gone.
Now, a salmon isn't the smartest creature in the world, but it isn't stupid either, and when it saw those big guys fighting and ignoring it, that fish flopped and struggled back to the river and that big fella was gone. "Well!" I said. I didn't need to say any more than that, but I did: "Ben, there're more fish in this river and you've been catching them all your life. You'll get more fish, and you know it. You should go back where you were and just go about your business. And Sam, the same goes for you. You'll get more fish and you know it, so you need to just stay calm about this whole thing. " They glared at each other, but Ben turned and started across the river. Half way he squatted down and ripped a huge fart -- it looked like he had a boat motor in his butt. Sam started right for him. I reached up, put my hand on his shoulder and said: "Now Sam, that could have been an accident." (we both know it wasn't. Ben had farted in our general direction) "and besides, do you want to step into that river right now?" Sam grunted, sighed and began to wander off.
I took a deep breath and sighed with relief. That had been really hard and tense work. I got back into my canoe, pushed off, and restarted my paddle. Just upstream from the gravel bar, the river made a turn around a steep rocky cliff and at the bottom was a deep hole: The sort of feature that flood water will dig in a river bed. The river was still crystal clear, and at the bottom of the hole that big salmon was resting, tired from the great struggle it had survived. I thought: "That guy's tired, and I'll bet he's hungry too!" I got my rod, baited the hook, and dropped it right in front of his nose. BAM! He immediately took the bait. I reeled him in, easy because he was so tired, got him into the canoe and whanged his head with my fish club (the way you should so they don't suffer more) I briefly thought of turning back, yelling for the fighters, and dividing the fish into three parts. But then I thought: "No, that might just stir things up again, and I've done them enough favors for the day." So I continued up to my cabin. I barbequed a couple of salmon steaks and smoked the rest for great snacks during my stay. My oh my that was good eating!
According to Aesop, every fable needs a moral at the end, but I'm sure everyone can figure out their own moral for this one. If you can't you're not trying hard enough. Thanks for reading.
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| Harry Bliss |
I lost contact with Ben. But eventually he moved away from the river (too many rafters, and power boats roaring up and down the river) and settled down east of Takilma where he founded a retreat and preached peace and love. He was very successful.
My life moved on and I stopped going to the cabin -- without regular maintenance it collapsed under a heavy snow load.
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Bears don't actually hibernate. They do enter into a state called "torpor" --- like the state I fell into when I watched "Titanic". When bears are torporing they form a natural butt-plug. During "Titanic" I didn't form a butt-plug.
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Do not go gentle into that good night A double scotch should see you right
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Not everyone is going to think you're brilliant, gorgeous, amazing, and magical. They're wrong though. Dickheads.
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Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. (Igor Stravinsky)
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Did you know the pool on the Titanic is still full of water?
And so it goes.
